Saturday, January 15, 2011

Part 2: Hope and Devastation

Well after my 1st acupuncture treatment... I immediately noticed a change in my mood the following day... I was more upbeat and in a generally good mood and had more energy for the following 2 days than I've had in a while. Even my coworkers noticed. Then cd13 was my 2nd appointment... but before I went, earlier in the day, I noticed something I hadn't had recently.... (TMI alert).... GOBS of EWCM on the toilet paper when I wiped... I mean it literally looked like an egg white was on the toilet paper.... and I had never had EWCM this early in my cycle (I usually get it a few days before ovulation and ovulation was around cd 18 for the year I was off BCP), nor this amount... I was shocked, and excited that this may indeed be working :).Since I read that it can take a couple cycles for acupuncture to have an effect, I hadn't been expecting much out of that cycle and Ken was scheduled to get an SA that afternoon. Well, he ended up needing to reschedule his SA and was able to come home and take advantage of all that EWCM! I didn't ovulate though until two days later so I figured, oh well, didn't think it would happen this month anyways. So I continued charting but wasn't trying to read in to my temps as I have tried before and secretly hoping maybe it worked. I felt really tired towards the end of the TTW and my temp did a strange thing on cd 11 which looked like an implantation dip, but I thought those were supposed to be earlier. I decided to test early... BFN on cd12. I wanted to try again the next day just in case... and there it was... a very faint second line! I didn't even believe it and woke Ken up to look at it too. I actually didn't really think it was true. After all the BFN's it was surreal to actually see two lines. I tested again the next day and the lines were more visible. This was real.... we were finally pregnant. 

The timing was perfect. Right after I found out, we got the email at school about letter's of intent for the following year. Mine would be easy... we'd been working so hard to pay off bills so that I could stay home and we had accomplished that goal.... I didn't need to work anymore. So I turned in my letter of resignation. I was going to miss my coworkers greatly, and miss teaching... but I wouldn't miss the stress, the attitudes, and the exhaustion. Everything was falling into place at just the right time... I was so happy.

Then I started spotting a little... I didn't worry at first because lots of other people told me they had some spotting and it was fine so I thought it was normal. It wasn't. I got some blood-work done and my progesterone was only 3.9 (VERY low... so low I didn't know why I hadn't already miscarried). Four days later, I miscarried. We were devastated. My doctor was concerned it might be ectopic because of my HCG levels so I went in for an ultrasound to check. The ultrasound showed a collapsing, empty sac in my uterus... at only 6 weeks the baby would have been small, but nothing was there. Perhaps it had already reabsorbed... or stopped growing long before and wasn't big enough to see. The term for it is a blighted ovum... conception occurs, but the fetus doesn't grow, or stops growing at some early point. The "good news", my doctor says, is at least we know I can get pregnant. 

I cried a lot that week. I was so thankful that Ken was home when everything happened and we could be together during that tough time. I also have an amazing support system in my family and friends. I am so blessed to have had so many people supporting me and helping me through this time. And although I know that something was not right with that pregnancy and that everything happens for a reason.... that's not something anyone wants to hear when they've just had a miscarriage... it's not comforting. Something along the lines of: I'm sorry, this really sucks, if anyone deserves to have kids it's you guys.... that's what you say to comfort someone who's just miscarried. 

Back to square one....

No comments:

Post a Comment