CD6

So I've survived giving myself shots and went back to the RE today to check on progress. We are uping the dose a little to 75 IU and then I go back again on Tuesday for hopefully my final scan before the trigger. I actually got to see my RE today too which was nice. And I have things all set up with my OBGYN to get the lap next month if we do not get pregnant. So we'll see. Keep your fingers crossed!

Cycle Day 3

Ok... so I showed up this morning that the RE's office and just about cried when talking to the lady at the reception desk. I felt like an idiot rambling about how I didn't know what else to do but I had to get in today because I'm on day three and I need to start meds for this cycle. I came pretty close to crying too. Yes, I was all mad and ready to yell at someone yesterday, but when it comes down to it... I hate confrontation and usually end up crying instead. Well, she probably though I was crazy, or maybe they see people like me more than I realize... but they got me in this morning. Thank you God! The scan was fine... no cysts on my ovaries.... not that there's a reason there would be. The nurse showed me how to use the injector pen and gave me my first dose of the hormones. My RE is out of town this week so I couldn't ask him about genetic testing like I wanted... but I guess there's always next time. Speaking of next time.... I have to go back on Friday to make sure the hormones are working. I'm starting off on the lowest possible dose but they may have to up it if it doesn't do enough... so they need to check me again. So of course this means I have to miss more work this week and I feel awful about it. I'm supposed to be giving an orientation Friday morning and now I won't be in until late morning :(. Guess there's not much I can do about it. At least if this works this month and we actually get pregnant, I won't have to worry about missing this much work all the time.

Oh ya... and here's a picture I took when my meds came in.... $3500 worth. Luckily I only had to pay $18. At least that part was covered!

Seroiusly?!?!?!

So AF came a day early yesterday... booo, but whatever, I kinda figured this month wasn't it for us. So this morning I go to call the RE's office to get scheduled for my cd3 scan/tests tomorrow so we can get started with the Follistim injections for this month. They open at 7, so I call just after 7 and the office phones aren't up yet and it goes to their after-hours answering people. They tell me the phones at the office should be up by 7:30 and to try back then. So on my way to work... I call every 5 minutes and still get the answering service. WTF? So I finally wait to talk to someone and explain that I'm trying to get ahold of them so I can schedule my day 3 stuff that needs to be done TOMORROW and they tell me that today is a HOLIDAY for the office and they are CLOSED! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! How am I supposed to schedule my appointment that I need for tomorrow morning??? I'm sorry that my body didn't give me advanced notice on when my next cycle was going to start.... but I figured being a fertility clinic, they understand these things.

Well, I need an early AM appointment because I already have an appointment with my OBGYN in the afternoon to discuss, and possibly schedule, the laparoscopy for next month so I need to see the RE in the morning. They open at 7 but it takes an hour to get there.... so if I wait and call at 7 and they can get me in at 7:30.... I won't be able to make it there! Especially with rush hour traffic!!!! ARGH!

So after being in a bad mood all day, and letting my boss know I won't be able to come to work tomorrow... since I don't know when the appointment will be.... I have a plan. I am going to show up at 7 AM and ask them when they are going to be fitting me in. There's no way I'm going to let this not work out for this month with Ken being home on leave and the fact that we only have until September people!!! I have no idea how understanding this office is, since I have had little interaction with them, other than my initial appointment. If they are like my OBGYN's office, I will have no trouble getting to see the RE in the morning. Otherwise.... watch out for the waterworks because I might have a breakdown in that office if they won't fit me in. I plan on being there all morning if I need to be.... they WILL get me in one way or another... or I may have to consider going elsewhere with my business. Afterall... I have $3500 worth of fertility meds in my fridge ready to use this cycle and time is of the essence here.

Can't a girl get a break for once?

To be continued.....

An Infertility Myth

"If you just relax, you will get pregnant."

I wish!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a planner, an overachiever, and am very goal oriented. When I set my mind to something... I work my ass off to achieve that goal. I feel best when I have a plan of action, even if that plan changes over time (and I usually need to have a back-up plan in mind too). So of course I had a plan on when we would start TTC and what we would do to optimize our chances. I naively thought it would happen right away like it has for just about everyone else in our families or maybe take up to 6 months. Little did I know, this would not be the case for us. After several months of using OPKs and charting my cycle.... my caring, well-meaning friends and family had given me all of their advice and the biggest one was to "just relax and let it happen." I was feeling the stress and thought, ok, let me try this and maybe it will work. So we planned a trip to the mountains that was supposed to correlate with O time and I stopped charting or using OPKs. We had a nice and relaxing weekend and thought maybe this would finally be it. But alas, it was not our month. Instead, I was stressed after our weekend wondering when exactly I ovulated and when I should expect AF to arrive, I mean... how would I know when to test? It was much more frustrating and stressful for me to NOT chart, than for me to just do my thing and have some peace of mind. Not to mention.... most people don't understand.... if I don't chart, how am I suppose to make sure we get some sort of good timing in when Ken is stationed 3 hours away?? So back to charting I went.

A few months later, when it had been a year of being off the pill, I decided we needed to try something else. I've had mild anxiety issues from time to time and the stress from teaching often got to me and I wanted to find something to help with that and maybe help us get pregnant. So I remembered my OBGYN saying that his wife did acupuncture. I looked into it and discovered that acupuncture can be used to boost fertility and could also help with my anxiety/stress levels. So I started going to acupuncture. I immediately noticed a difference in my mood, and so did others around me. I felt more upbeat and positive about things and it's one of the very few things that has truly helped me to relax (massage helped loosen muscles, but never really relaxed me). I wasn't expecting anything to happen right away since I read it can take a couple months to get your body where it needs to be. But right away, I noticed a change in my cycle... I got a serious amount of really fertile cervical fluid earlier than I had ever had since being off the pill (cd13) and ovulated cd15, which was also the earliest since being off the pill. Acupuncture was already regulating my cycles back to my old normal and I had just started. I was a little disappointed that day that I had the fertile fluids because Ken wasn't home... but we figured we weren't going to be trying that month anyways so it wasn't too big of a deal. Well, it ended up that Ken was able to come home for the night and we ended up pregnant from that one day. You might think it's all because I was relaxed from acupuncture, which I was, and I was super thrilled and happy for 2 short weeks.... and then it all came tumbling down and I miscarried. My miscarriage wasn't caused by stressed.... I had turned in my resignation for the following school year and I couldn't have been happier or less stressed.... and I still miscarried. 

It's been over a year since the miscarriage that we've still been trying for that beautiful miracle of having our own baby... and although we've had some stress here and there... I'm much more relaxed and less stressed than I ever was before (and keeping up the acupuncture and not teaching anymore definitely helps). But we are still waiting on that positive pregnancy test and are now seeing the specialist. Yes, I still chart and occasionally use OPKs, because it makes ME feel better when I know what's going on with my body. I don't expect my chart to tell me whether or not I am pregnant... and since it's been so long, I no longer expect that it will happen in any given month... but I still hope that it will. So for those of you who like to say that it will happen when I least expect it... I haven't really been expecting it anymore and it still isn't happening. I've tried everything under the sun and the only thing I CAN'T do... is give up. Those words are just not in my vocabulary.

So while it would be nice if all it took was to relax and it would happen.... that doesn't work for everyone. And when talking with someone who is TTC, please remember that sometimes telling people to "relax and let it happen" or any other well meaning advice.... sometimes makes us more stressed than anything we are doing to help our chances. The best thing to do is just be there for them if they are having trouble TTC, tell them they will make great parents, that you hope it happens for them soon, pray for them if you want.... but "advice" is better saved for when it's requested.



To get a basic understanding of infertility, please visit Infertility 101 at RESOLVE.org and click the following link to learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week 

Ending the Silence

Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week and I'm ending the silence... I am of the 1 in 8 couples who struggles with trying to conceive and of the 1 in 4 pregnancies that ends in miscarriage. Infertility is a disease and it's time to bring about more awareness, more understanding, and more research. This shouldn't be something that women (or men) are afraid or embarrassed to talk about.

So here I am.... announcing that I am struggling with infertility. It is not something that can be cured by just relaxing, getting drunk and having lots of sex, not thinking about it/giving up, or adopting. Although I know it just seems to happen for some people this way, it won't cure the cause of my infertility. I hope that my story might help someone else know that they are not alone in their struggle to start a family. (To read my story, go back to the beginning of this blog and start with the Time Line. Just know if you don't like TMI, you won't want to read my blog, but I try to keep it to a minimum.)

And while I appreciate your thoughts and prayers... I will continue to follow the advice of my doctors.

 

To learn more about infertility and how it affects 7.3 million Americans, please visit RESOLVE.

Chiropractors and Detailers

Well it's been a busy week and lots has happened.

I'll start with some good stuff.... after my massage therapist telling me to go for a couple years now, I finally started seeing a chiropractor in hopes that maybe I can get my neck back to normal or almost normal. Turns our my neck and back are pretty messed up and my chiropractor is very optimistic that she will be able to get me feeling much better and maybe even help with our TTC. So a normal, healthy neck is supposed to have a 31-40 degree curve to it when looked at from the side... mine is at a 7. Then when I saw the x-rays of my back... not only do I have awful curvature from scoliosis, but my spine is twisted too. Obviously the scoliosis can't be fixed but the twisted-ness and lack of curve in my neck can be helped. Oh, and my hips are slightly off too... one is a little higher than the other. So my first adjustment was kinda weird, but overall went well and I wasn't too sore afterward either. And since the spinal cord is the central part of the nervous system... my spine being so messed up may be contributing to our trouble with TTC... probably not the main reason, but if seeing a chiropractor could help, it's worth a try.
Some other good news came from a good friend of mine who just found out she preggo with #2. She been trying for several months now so I'm glad it happened for her and she doesn't have to go through all the crap I have. It would be nice if I could get preggo soon and then we can have little ones close in age.... well it would be nice to get preggo soon period.

On to the not-so-good news.... so we found out Wednesday that there are still no openings for Ken to get back to a boat here. He had already got his paperwork to extend in Charleston going through his command so now we pray that it goes through and gets approved. There's always a chance the detailers could deny him and just send him somewhere without giving him a choice... like Guam. We haven't really discussed what we would do in that situation.. but I don't think I would be going to Guam. Whatever happens... we know for sure we only have until September to get pregnant and try infertility treatments. If nothing by then, we'll just have to regroup and figure out where we go from there.

And of course all the stress these last couple of weeks has pushed back my O (ovulation) date so we may have missed the egg this month. Guess it's on to injections next month.

What no one told you about trying to conceive...

This is a list someone posted on the online TTC board I'm on and thought I'd post it here too. I've bolded the ones I've learned (or in the process of learning) in particular.


What no one told you about trying to conceive...

*That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
*That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
*That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.
*That the longer you Try to Conceive, the more Pregnant women spring up around you.
*That deep down inside, you can be a very jealous person.
*That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM (cervical mucus) or CP (cervical position) to see if it is your fertile period.
*That you should have gone to medical school like your mom wanted, because you've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with you, you might as well be an M.D.
*That you would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors you go to.
*That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm.
*That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines... until only one shows up every month.
*That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work, too.)
*That you have no control over some of the goals you set.
*That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
*That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside
*That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
*That miscarriage is so common.
*That you would wish you had started TTC earlier.
*That your friends' pregnancies would start to make you sad instead of happy.
*That you wasted A LOT of money on birth control!
*That you'd EVER be willing to stab yourself in the stomach or ass every day in the hopes that it will help get you PG.
*That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
*That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
*That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
*That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
*That you could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unnecessary.
*That you would be happy to see abundant cervical fluid and tell your DH about it.
*That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes you sad and when they tell you they have good news, you hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico. Ha!
*That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
*That had you bought stock in Clearblue Easy, you'd have your mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.
*That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.
*That having aunt flow show up makes you cry, no matter whose bathroom you are in.
*That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
*Feeling like you wish your life away in two-week increments.
*That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.
*That a group of "strangers" who you will probably never meet, have now become your "best friends" when it comes to ttc.
*That you would splash urine on your face while taking apart an home pregnancy test in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
*That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
*That infertility is more common than you think.
*That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.
*That one day all of this will make you stronger.
*That no one you know (in your non-trying to conceive (ttc) life) would have any understanding as to how you feel.
*That your temper and patience are much shorter than you ever thought.
*That infertility is not as rare as you were led to believe.
*That you would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and would burst into tears upon hearing their news.
*That your faith in God would be tested heavily. That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
*That you are very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies
*That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say. *****
* That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to."
*That you'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least you know what's wrong.
*That you would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.
*That you could spend so much time and money on figuring out what your body is doing (or not doing).
*That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today?"
*That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. You had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.
*That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
*That some people just say the wrong things.
*That a simple blood test costs $648!
*That sex would ever become a chore!
*That actually having a miscarriage would allow you to understand the loss that others have felt.
*That miscarriage would make you want a baby even more than before!
*That you would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling you "I know how you feel..."
*That DH would be overly concerned that our Baby Dancing positions were the most effective ones
*That you would become NUMB to the wonderful world around you that you already have
*That you would become addicted to POAS (peeing on a stick) and not sleep at night because you couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
*That you would be so sad, and ashamed.
*That you would learn to speak in code, like "I checked CM which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN!"
*That when AF showed up you would feel broken and dysfunctional.
*That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
*That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
*That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.
*That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
*That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
*That you would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)
*That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone you know would infuriate me beyond belief.
*That you would have to schedule a Baby Dancing session so Dear Husband could do it in a cup a few days later.
*That your friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before you get pregnant with #1.
*That you wouldn't be able to attend your friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the question, "So, when are ya'll going to have children?"
*That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
*That you would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
*That it puts this much strain on a marriage.
*That you spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now you can't seem to lose the witch!
*That you would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world you want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk you out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to you.
*That being overweight would cause people to ask when you're due, which in turn could cause you to cry.
*That you would yell at commercials on the TV. (That "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
*That you would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows you love) because it just hurts too much.
*That a friend would hide and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset.

*That your body has its own mind.
*That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
*That the human body and what it actually takes to conceive is so complex that it's amazing anyone ever gets pregnant in the first place.
*That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.
*That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one. Yep.
*That you feel useless as a female.
*That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children.
*That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right amount of the required "hormones" or doing what it should know how to do.
*That more insurance companies cover abortions than they do fertility treatments. 

The Plan

So over the weekend, we came up with a plan that makes me feel a little better about making the most of the time we know we have left (since come September we don't know what's going to be happening). I did some research over the weekend about the laparoscopy and discovered that it could be much longer than a few days to recover and TTC that month would be really hard and probably painful. So this means I need to count out that cycle. So here's the plan:
Obviously, this cycle (#22) is on our own.
If we still don't get our miracle, then next cycle (#23) that starts at the end of April, we'll be trying the Follistim (injectable hormones) with TI.
If that doesn't work, I'll get the lap done end of May/early June (cycle #24). Then we will have some answers as to whether or not I even have endometriosis and how bad if I do and what the next best step will be.
With those answers.... we'll have 3 cycles (#25-27) until the unknown in September, in which we can try whatever it is that is deemed the best course of action (like 3 IUIs or whatever).

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a planner and I always feel better when we have a plan of some sort... even if it ends up changing later... I at least have a plan to move forward with now. Today I made the appointment with my OBGYN to talk about the lap and get it scheduled. Of course the earliest I could get in is the 26th, and I'll have to take the afternoon off work. And if we don't get pregnant this month... I may have to have my cd3 scan with the RE the day before, which is more time off work...ugh. Wouldn't it be nice if I can turn that appointment into a pregnancy confirmation appointment? Hey, I can hope.

Unexplained

That's the "category" of infertility we've been put into.

We finally saw the RE (reproductive endocrinologist, aka fertility specialist) on Tuesday. I didn't know what exactly to expect but on the list was definitely not what I got. He wants to do a laproscopy to check for endometriosis. Of course that's the one test my OBGYN and I talked about and decided not to do since neither of us think I have it. Apparently, some people don't have any symptoms, except difficulty getting pregnant. So it's better we check and be sure and take it out if there's any there. Luckily, though, I can have my OBGYN do it so I won't have to drive as far or wait as long to get in to do it. Of course when I called to schedule that appointment, I was told I needed a referral for endo and that the referral I have for infertility won't work for the lap. Wonderful... so I called my regular Dr and had her put in another referral for me so I can get that done. Who knows how long that will take to get approved... and THEN I can make the appointment to talk about and schedule the lap. GRRR!!! I could have waited a couple cycles before doing the lap but since we're running out of time, I want it done ASAP.

Then the plan is to jump into injectable hormones with TI (timed intercourse), which means cycle monitoring and probably more time missed from work. My insurance will only pay for meds when used with TI and since injectables are the most expensive ($2000-3000 a month without insurance) we're going to go that route first and see what happens. Then, I can use any leftover meds for IUI if needed. I'm just hoping that if my lap ends up being next cycle, that we can still do the meds that cycle too. I was told there's not much down time and that you can still TTC the same month you have a lap... I just forgot to ask about the meds. So I guess we'll see. Or maybe we'll get a BFP this cycle and not have to do any of this. But who am I kidding.

The good news is that he is also not worried about Ken's morphology and is happy to see he has such a high count. So that's one less thing to worry about.

Well, my meds for next cycle arrive on Wednesday. Here's to hoping I don't have to use them.